Suicidal Thoughts

Ever had thoughts of wanting to wipe the slate clean and totally start over? I have. I never went as far as planning a way to do myself in, but if I were a video game, I would have wanted to hit the reset button.

I'm sure I can speak for anyone who has ever wanted to kill themselves, or at least had thoughts of erasing everything and starting fresh. This way of feeling and thinking is always brought on by a tremendous amount of stress (be it mental or physical).

The times I felt like this were years ago at this point, but I can easily remember what I was upset about and trying to avoid. I don't regret going through this depression stage because it played a role in bringing about an awakening within me. Since my shift in consciousness, I can see how and why this is a feeling more common to a whole lot of people than you may be lead to believe.

At the root of this urge to purge oneself of "life," lies a major paradox. You are life itself and will never die. You can move on past this physical world but will still live. So how can you "kill" yourself? You can't. You are only trying to kill your current situation.

Think about it. Who really wants to die? The ego. The identity you have adopted as yourself is in a huge amount of stress. Once separated from the identity, relief is experienced. Who wants relief from the identity? You do. The real you.

It really is like there are two people there. The phrase, "I hate myself," implies a 'hater' and a 'hatee', so to speak. To be unhappy with yourself/life situation is to be a house divided against itself. The solution is to become whole again. But how?

You can die while still living and gain even more life in the process! Sounds like another paradox, but it's true. Allowing yourself to become more aware of the part of you that is the eternal observer, will bring balance to your perspective. There is the part of you that cares so much about the stressful situations (ego identity) and there's the part of you that is good either way and just observes. Allowing yourself to simply, objectively, observe your ego identity and it's drama, you will watch that part of you die. It will start to seem less and less important and less of who you are. It will lose all power and you will regain it.

Killing your body is a waste of time. You will continue on and have to overcome the same tests that drove you to it in the first place. Killing the attachments that cause you stress will achieve all the relief you desire plus so much more! Meditate on theses words and suicide will never seem logical again.

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Ta Wan said...

True self wins and ego dies = Congratulations Mario you have saved Princess Toadstool.

Ego-self kills the body = Fail, restart level.


Yes it seems like 2 or 3 people in there until ego is identified as fake then you are instantly relieved of all the junk that was attached to it.

The Rambling Taoist said...

Some people who entertain suicidal thoughts may do so because they want, as you suggest, to hit the reset button. For me, however, that doesn't describe my experience.

I suffered from a hormonal imbalance during my 20s -- doctors originally thought I was bi-polar. I came out of a deep trough once I started on hormone replacement therapy.

Anyway, I went through several periods when I was suicidal. I didn't want a reset; I wanted to cease to exist altogether. In fact, I often wished that I had never been born at all.

You may turn out to be correct re the idea that a person can't really kill themselves because each of us is the essence of life itself. On the other hand, maybe we aren't and ending our life in this realm ends it for us completely.

No one truly knows. Chances are we will never know.

Iktomi said...

thank you for this! as someone who struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts, i think this will help me. however most of my ideas of death are prompted not by the wish to wipe the slate clean but by my perspective that i am ruining the lives of those around me and the world would be better without me.

C. Om said...

@Ta Wan
Exactly! We're eye to eye on this one. :-)

I'm glad you can appreciate this. Holding yourself responsible for ruining the lives of others is hardly fair to yourself if you are not intentionally doing so. I don't know the detail of your situation, but I'm sure that it is within the power of the others around you to better whatever the situation is simply by advancing their perspective. Life is a trial and error test and everything happens for the best.

@The Rambling Taoist
I can identify with the not wanting to be born at all feeling also. I have had that thought many times in my life. I used to say to myself, "I didn't ask to be here."

Later on in life, I did realize that I DID ask to be here. We all did. I won't try to convince anyone of this because my proof is all intuition, but I am absolutely sure there is so much more than this physical realm.

Cordie'B said...

"Killing the attachments that cause you stress will achieve all the relief you desire plus so much more! " I know exactly what you mean by the above words; however, for the sake of the reader whose mad at the world, or mad at an "attachment" due to rejection, I suggest rewording... I'd hate to see on the news that C. Om advised me to kill my estranged lover.

As for the article on a whole, it is very ensightful. When I wished and attempted to kill myself, I didn't even know what an ego was, let alone fathom that I could detach myself from it. What got me through was the simple belief that this too shall pass. When we are in the stage of contemplating suicide, the ego has taken over, and sometimes its very hard to find our authentic selves, at times impossible. Suidal thoughts are usually accompanied by a sense of hopelessness, so dark that it is very hard to see the light. When we are feeling this way, we must hold to, and concentrate on that glimmer of light (love), no matter how small it may appear - it remains.

Peace, Light and Love,